As frightened as I was, I knew that this was too big for me to fix on my own. Trust was not something that was reproducible but needed to be earned back by my husband. Unfortunately, I had no idea how this was supposed to look or where to even begin. In my anguish I was gently reminded that there was someone who had never betrayed me, nor chose another over me. Even though my husband had been unfaithful, God had always been there for me! I now had a starting point. Instead of struggling with the idea of how to trust my husband again, I needed to focus my thoughts on how much God loves me.
As I showed God the rawness of my festering wounds I began to feel His profound concern for me. There was a depth to His love I had never experienced before. An intimacy was forming between the Father and myself. With this new revelation came the strength to face what I had been fearing; letting my guard down with my husband.
“And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts…” Philippians 4:7.
What a beautiful freedom I experienced when I learned that I do not have to strive to guard my heart but my heavenly daddy is the one who is holding this delicate piece of me.
Even though my husband continues to work diligently on restoring trust, fear of the “what ifs” can jump right back to the surface. It is easy to start to rebuild the walls of protection around myself again, but the only thing those walls are good for is to keep me enslaved to fear. In those times I have to be reminded that God hurts with me and He cares deeply.
I might never have that innocent trust again for my husband, but I have something greater: peace. I know that I can trust God as the protector and guarder of my most precious possession: my heart.