The more the leader spoke about the label that was now being placed on me, the more violated I felt. I left that group very confused, feeling hopeless, and crying! I could not understand how I was being labeled as a problem when I was the one who had become the victim of this fatal rejection. Since those raw days, I have been able to understand what codependent really means. The one thing I have learned is that just because my husband had a sexually addiction, that did not automatically make me codependent.
The definition of codependency is: "excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction."
Many times a codependent person’s reactions are rooted in a fear of losing, and a mistrust in God. Fear of losing will cause us to do anything for the person we love, even at the expense of sacrificing our own self-worth, in a desperate attempt to keep the person from leaving us alone and abandoned. And a mistrust in God can cause of to see problems as “too big” for God to handle and in turn we try to “fix” it ourselves. This can leave us feeling unappreciated, used, and weary.
A codependent person still lives in the false truth that they do not have a choice. A person does not typically choose to be victimized, but they can choose to live as a victim for the rest of their lives. No one can control their spouse’s actions or responses, but the one thing a betrayal cannot take away is freedom you have to make choices for your own healing.
This can be confusing with being a Christian women. We are taught that a good Christian wife will sacrifice their own happiness for the well-being of their husband or family. Being a good submissive wife is biblical… right??? Aren’t we supposed to die to ourselves and our needs? The scripture does say “wives submit to the husband…. For the husband is the head of the wife….”, but it also says “Husbands love your wife just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” God sees a beautiful benefit in a husband leading his family in integrity and a wife coming under that protection. We also read about a Proverbs 31 women who is strong and confident in who she is and willing to make some hard life discussions. This women is valued and highly respected by her husband.
In the midst of trying to help the people we love, we can easily loss our identity. Our own selves want the best for our spouses, but sometimes the best is knowing how to let go of trying to fix their problem(s). Relinquishing control over to God can be a really scary place. It is a road of uncertainty, not knowing how the other person will respond.
Peace will come when you trust that no matter what happens in life, God is deeply in love with you! In the same way God loves you, he also loves your spouse. He does not leave our husbands to walk their journey alone. Our responsibility as a Godly wife is to find the healing our broken hearts need so deeply! Only from a place of wholeness can we walk a journey of brokenness with someone else.