My whole being feels trapped in a broken world invisible to other’s eyes. A world that my lips cannot explain and a place not many could comprehend. I silently keep fighting against the ruins that try to crush my hope. I no longer feel God’s love. I feel alone. I’m scared that this will be my fate, my downfall in life. Will I ever feel good enough as the person I am? But who am I anymore? It is so hard to find the strength to lift the heavy burdens of my broken heart and throw them aside in hopes that maybe underneath it all is a piece of my original design that survived the blow…
Will I ever be free from this torment?”
I penned these words in the aftermath of another trigger. Ironically the word trigger is defined as “a small device that releases a spring and so sets off a mechanism.” With a gun, once the trigger is pulled the results can be fatal. The same is true in my life, but the trigger is not something you can often see with human eyes, but instead it might be a single word, an action or fear of the unknown. Once that “bullet” hits my wounds I find myself reliving the whole tiring process of facing the brokenness of the betrayal again, a painful place I do not like to visit. I struggle to keep my head above the waves of fear as I desperately try to find truth that will put my trembling self at ease.
Trepidation sinks in when I think of the weariness I experience with each trigger. I fear that one day I will not recover from the heaviness. Recently I lay on my closet floor, weeping and desperately asking God to take this burden from me. He was once again faithful by giving me a peace that settled my shaking heart and allowed me to feel His arms of comfort wrapping around my scared self. Isaiah 53:3 says “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering…” As the tears continued to roll from my eyes and collect on the floor, it became real to me that my Lord knew what it felt like to carry deep sorrow. Although spoken with a voice my ears could not hear, it was undoubtedly deafening to my soul: God understood my heart.
Triggers will continue to come but there is a subtle strength knowing that I will never face them on my own. At those scary times when I feel like I stand alone looking at the end of a gun while the trigger is being pulled, I can be confident in knowing that God is standing with me. As I turn my focus towards God and ask Him for help, He will always be faithful to let me hear the truth. The simple truth that I am a women who He truly loves!